I recently came across a magnet that made me laugh and then really got me thinking. It says “Suppose, hypothetically, that YOU SUCK and are somehow unaware of it.” My first instinct was to think of which of the people I’d recently ejected from my life deserved it most—people who didn’t value me, then caused me harm, then lied about it all.

Then it hit me: here I was, still focused on them, on calling out toxic people and behaviors, instead of looking at my role in the situations and what I wanted to do differently moving forward. The people who made me feel crazy were gone from my life, yet I was still feeling (and acting) crazy. I realized it was time to examine myself with that same critical lens.

Since then, I’ve been tuning in to my own patterns—my tendency to avoid, to retreat inward, and to rely on substances—and the thoughts that precede the undesirable behaviors. I’ve realized that my avoidant/shy patterns, which mostly come from a fear of rejection or screwing up, have kept me from finding healthy social connection or having (much) positive impact in the world. I've realized that my fear of discovering I'm not as intelligent as I hope has led me to prioritize substance use and chasing insights over sitting down and doing the actual work.

One of the hardest truths to face this year has been my substance use getting out of control again. While introspection under the influence can be valuable for me (I’ve had multiple life-changing realizations in the past month alone), I've realized I was using substances to cope with emotions far too frequently, often rationalizing the behavior. I’m at a point now where if I can’t bring my use to a reasonable level and keep it there, I’ll be seeking support beyond my therapist, possibly even rehab. Writing that out made me cry, which speaks to the importance of saying it aloud.

Earlier this year, I wrote a braggy (while also incredibly humble) “intro” post on here, while I was still very emotionally unwell. I talked about my background, life philosophy, reasons for working in crypto, desire to teach people about “Zero Knowledge”, and past with substance abuse. I wrote it impulsively and obsessively over the course of a day and a half, prioritizing smoking over sleep to finish it. I was also still in connection with people who were gaslighting me (but not for much longer). In that post, I said “liars and cheaters will use social norms to disrupt transparency and logical thinking”—that line was directly influenced by my experiences with those people.

That intro earned mixed reactions. One comment came from a mathematician at Cambridge, whose family is deeply rooted in mathematics—her parents and brothers are mathematicians, and one of her brothers even coached the USA’s International Math Olympiad team for years. She wrote “I had no idea about the lead up to college (you certainly didn't let on to any of us about how much of a genius you are!!).” A friend who, coincidentally, had a massage trade scheduled with me on my obsessive writing day wrote, “You’re the man, Abhi. Thanks for sharing!”. On the other hand, my close “friends” mostly shamed me and complained like I’d given them homework; “Math was my lowest score on SAT. lol” was by far the nicest thing any of them said to me. None of them liked or commented on the post itself.

Just a few days earlier, I had written an intro in a Discord from a similar headspace of starting to believe in myself. This intro led to me receiving an unexpected email titled "ZK Education at Succinct”, which then led to an interview for a role that felt like a dream fit at the time.

However, when I went to SF for the onsite, I was still smoking way too much. I had totally lost track of how much it was affecting me and how far I was from my baseline. I went to the interview high, got high at lunch, and shared the Fb intro, which included the line “I spent most of college getting as high as I could manage” (a line I’d forgotten about when I shared it with my interviewers).

I don’t regret sharing it since I genuinely believe in transparency as a core value, and I’m not interested in changing who I am for a job (yet, anyway). But I do regret the headspace that viewed the job and relocation as fixes to things that actually require hard inner work. I also regret not realizing how unwell I was; I shouldn’t have even gone for that interview.

Transparency starts with being real with myself—something I’m now actively working on, no longer relying on others to tell me when I’m screwing up.

At Myschievia, which was about a month ago, I spent a lot of time by myself at camp, smoking on my own. Despite having a couple great conversations with the few people I talked to, I still managed to rationalize sitting by myself and going inwards at a burn, something I now see as a red flag in my thinking.

I heard back about the job a few days after burn. I was given a vague reason for the decline, and I learned later that the founder contacted my high school friend, whom I’d mentioned in the interview and in my Fb intro. He replied to her saying he thought I’d be a great fit, and then I still got turned down. Maybe she was hoping he’d share context on my substance use; however, I hadn’t been open with him about it in recent conversation because I hadn’t realized how bad it had gotten.

After getting the rejection, I told him the truth—”I was very high the whole [interview].” He told me what I needed to hear—that it was absurd I thought I’d get the job after being visibly high, and “It seems the gap between your thinking and an accurate / plausible assessment of reality was, bluntly, enormous.”

That gap was enormous and remains far too wide. I'm confronting my tendency to allow this disconnect to grow and recognizing how my avoidance patterns enable it. I'm now working on finding healthier ways to express my internal experiences, and I’m challenging the avoidance patterns that have held me back for most of my life. I've come to realize that these avoidant behaviors have, in some cases, led me to cause harm to others—an outcome I consider unacceptable.

A friend reminded me it’s also important to have forgiveness and grace with myself for these mistakes. I am, after all, still healing from psychological and emotional abuse from how my closest “friends” treated me, even if I haven’t spoken about it clearly on here yet. I let toxic people into my life and home because I was too trusting and didn’t have enough social experience to spot the red flags. I know better now and will have higher standards on who I will allow in my life moving forward (something I talked about in a post I wrote on my birthday, but didn’t follow through on).